It’s not just Christmas that’s getting closer

It’s not just Christmas that’s getting closer

bad-moodThis week has been tough. Tough because I’ve let things get to me. I’ve allowed myself to feel isolated, ignored and unappreciated.  I convinced myself that family and friends were deliberately ignoring me because our opinions differ, I let myself think that they thought I was stupid and my advice worthless. Everything’s been shit because that’s how I’ve chosen to look at it, I have most definitely been smouldering, and not in a sexy way. After raving that I’d not given myself longer than half an hour baby free for a while I took myself off to for a coffee on Saturday morning and put my head back in order. I did some writing, and I had a word with myself. I assessed whether or not life was really that bad, with a history of depression and anxiety I’m good as assessing my mental health and have a solid gauge to go by. It boiled down to one thing that’s souring my mind…Going back to work.

Santa Carrying Shopping BagsAs the shops prepare for Christmas (you know that’s coming, right?) , as the nights get shorter, the days get colder the end of my mat leave gets closer and closer and I’m dreading it. I’m dreading going back into an environment that I’ve been out of for a year. I’m not the same person I was when I left. I’m scared. There’s no handbook on this bit. There’s no one telling you what it’s like stepping foot back through the door to new staff members, new guidelines, new pupils (I work in a school). I’ve got no idea what I’ll be doing when I go back and I have some serious doubt as to whether or not I can still do it at all. I was conscientious, efficient, innovative before I left. That was when I had full nights of sleep and showers every day, before I had another person to feed, dress and care for education-school-apple-learn-ss-1920before myself. I used to have spare time to think of ideas or bring bits of work home. Going back to work feels like starting an entirely new job, not coming back to something that I’ve been away from for a while. I feel while I’ve learned so much this last year, the things I loved about work have been replaced by things I love about my baby.

When I’ve shared my feelings with others the implication has generally been that I’m work shy. That I don’t want to earn a living, that I want to sit on my arse and do nothing all day getting far too involved with the likes of Jeremy Kyle. At times I’ve been laughed at for saying I wasn’t looking forward to it. I’ve confided in colleagues who’ve delighted in telling me tales from the front line, how they wouldn’t want to either, filling my mind with yet more worry. A grande cappuccino later and I remembered that the thought of doing something is often far worse than the doing it. I’ve got to bite the bullet. If I start to think that being a mother will make me better at my job rather than worse the whole situation becomes easier to think about. I’m still not looking forward to it, but until I go and find out the lay of the land, worrying about it is wasted energy.

Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs
Cuddle Fairy


  1. No wonder you’ve been feeling a low! Well done for recognising it and hitting it head on. I think you are a perfectly normal mummy, I can’t imagine many mum’s are skipping back into work after a year’s maternity leave with no worries at all. Take care and I really hope it goes well when you return #MMBC x

  2. If it’s any consolation to you, when I went back to work after having my baby – over three years ago – I was absolutely dreading it! I was starting a brand new job and I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my little boy. I had tears every day and I tortured myself by telling my self each day “only x days left with my little one!” I won’t lie. It was hard at first but as time went on we all adapted and hand on heart, it was for the best. That time ends up being good for both of you. I hope it goes well and that it doesn’t spoil your Christmas. Chin up 🙂 #bloggerclubuk

    1. Author

      Thanks, it’s work in progress, I know he’s going to love nursery so that’s a good motivator x

  3. As soon as I saw the title of your post I knew what was coming. Like you my maternity leave is also drawing to a close. I can’t wait for my babies first Christmas but I’m dreading what comes next! It makes my belly ache!
    But I think these are feelings a lot of new mums have. As you said our lives have changed so much that we’re going back to the same job completely different people. I can’t really offer any words of wisdom because were in the same boat. But I can reassure you that your not alone. I’m hopeful that things won’t be as bad as I expect and once we slip into a new routine it will be like I never left. One thing I am looking forward too is not having to take my tiny human to the loo with me! #bloggerclubuk

    1. Author

      Ha, a lone pee break will be welcome! We will be ok, the thought of it is far worse xx

  4. Everyone is different lovely, but I felt very similar about returning to work after my first baby. The reality was that it was actually no way near as bad as I thought it’d be – I regained a bit of my old self, had lovely wander into town at lunchtime, and wondered why I got my knickers in such a twist about it. Whatever happens – you can do it, and if things are awful, nothing is set in stone – you have options.
    Good luck! Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub xx

    1. Author

      Thanks, that’s reassuring. I’m hoping that’s the case, it will be nice to remind myself that the outside world exists – and that I’m part of it! X

  5. I’m so worried about going back. I’ve been trying to prepare myself as I was meant to be returning to work next week but was told that isn’t the case and now I’m on authorised absence until future notice. It’s great I get full pay but I built myself up for nothing and now have no idea what the future holds work wise! I feel your pain!

    1. Author

      I think I’m coming round to it a bit, seems writing it all out has worked and it’s mellowing the feeling of doom!

  6. I remember feeling just like this each time I returned to work after having my two. You will have changed, and there will have been some changes at work, but within a few hours you’ll feel like you never left and you’ll very quickly settle into your new normal as a family. You’re absolutely right when you say that the thought of it is generally worse than the reality. Good luck – but I’m sure you will be absolutely fine. I now enjoy a bit of a break away to be myself again! 🙂 x #coolmumclub

    1. Author

      Thanks, it’s looking like it’s a regular Joe feeling which is comforting. I’ll be starting with a new teacher too so we’ll be in it together x

  7. Ah I think you will be fine once you get the first few weeks over you! The thought of going back is probably worse than the actual going back so try to to worry as you are wasting this special time worrying rather than enjoying each day at home to the fullest. Thank you for sharing with us at #BloggerClubUK x

    1. Author

      Absolutely! Making the most of these days is so important now, I don’t think you quite realise that until it’s coming to an end x

  8. I don’t think worrying about going back to work and how you’ll find it post-motherhood makes you work-shy at all. It’s true though that the thought of something is often worse than the reality – and hopefully this will be true for you with going back to work. Hope that you can manage to keep the anxiety at bay and wishing you all the best of luck with returning to work. #coolmumclub

  9. I think its one of those thing where you’ll feel a bit lost at first. Then after the first hour, you’ll feel like you’ve never been away and you’ll be counting down the days to your next holidays
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK

  10. Oh I get this! I am completely the same going back early Feb and although I am looking forward to Christmas I don’t want to be reminded that I am going back. When I went back with my first I found the run up to going back worse than actually returning so I am assuming it will be the same this time round. It doesn’t make it feel any better though, so I can completely appreciate how you are feeling.I hope like me that once you are back it will be okay and you will be amazed by everything you accomplish. Thank you for joining us at #bloggerclubuk xx

    1. Author

      Thanks. I think once I know I’ve still ‘got it’- whatever that might be. Let’s stick work in a little brain box until it’s needed. X

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