Have you stopped blogging? – A looooong ass story.
If you know me you’ll know that I found returning to work after MAT leave really difficult. I went in and I cried, for 3 days, had a Christmas break and went back, and cried. I was in new surroundings, with new colleagues, doing new hours. It didn’t occur to me that all these things might piss me off.
I’m not a pissed off kind of person. I have a grumble in private and crack on. Turns out this ‘sweep it under the carpet’ approach has screwed me over in the long run. You see, I’m not good at saying that I’m not happy, that I’m angry, upset, or down right fed up. As a result, when too many things piss me off at once, and I stay quiet. I seethe, I simmer and I bubble until inevitably I go off like a cannon. No an angry bull in a china shop cannon, a drowning in a flood of tears cannon. I don’t even breathe, I can’t speak. It’s debilitating. As a result I’ve been signed off since – January that is, nearly 6 months.
For the record I’ve not got PND.
Because a) I gave birth and b) I cried a lot it’s been easy for people to assume it’s some delayed Post Natal Depression, or PND finally coming out. For the record, it’s not. It’s a whole lotta anxiety. I’ve managed to harbour a shit load of fear – I’m a scaredy cat. I’m so scared that I won’t be liked or accepted for being myself that I’ve made myself into someone that I don’t want to be. I got told by my boss that ‘I didn’t want to write about everything on my blog’. Worried about what ‘work’ would think, I decided to pause The Mumatron Blog.
So what’s your point?
Having a baby made me question whether or not I wanted to continue on this perpetual path of pleasing others. Would I want him to do that? No. I want my son to grow up knowing he can be whoever he wants, without fear of being different. I decided (with the help of an amazing counsellor) that I wasn’t prepared to compromise on who I am for a job or lifestyle that I don’t really like.
For the last 6 months I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. Being an Teaching Assistant is not it. I resigned. I posted my resignation last week and I’m going rogue.
Sole-Trader-self-employed-business-owning rogue. That’s right, I’ve got a whole new adventure ahead of me. Check out Hugo’s Garden Shop for more information.
The long and short of it is that now I’m solo, I’m back. I’m back on the blog. Back in the Twittershpere, back in the linky loop and I’ve missed it! Hello friends, I’ve missed you!
I used a counselling service through the children’s centre, it’s available to all parents of under 5’s (In the Leeds area).